I love you so much. I wish I was more consistent in writing this blog. I'm going to try and be more consistent. Writing helps me to work through my emotions.
Ever since I was a small girl I found it hard to understand my own emotions. If you feel the same way too... I'm sorry. I wish I could have been a better parent to help you manage your own emotions better. I wish I could have helped you to express your emotions safely and in a productive way.
I want you to know that I love you and your emotions are important to me... I'm sorry if I sometimes find it so hard to deal with your outburst of emotions. YOU are actually trying to work it out yourself. I wish I had more strength to allow you to express your emotions freely. I will try from now on to be better and more understanding towards what you are going through. I;m so sorry. I was brought up that way... so this is the only way I know how to react.
Nana and Dad always reacted like they couldnt handle my outburst of emotions and now I'm doing it to you :(
I feel horrible. I promise to give you a safe place to express your emotions. Im so sorry. Whatever you are FEELNG, its OK. I'm sorry to always shout at you... the truth is... I dont even know how to deal with my OWN emotions.. I'm working at it...Please pray for mama.
Lately has been abit of an uncertain period. You are ending your Primary 3 Sarah, and Iman you are ending your Kindergarten. I thought your father will have Iman at the same school as you Sarah, but he says its too expensive for both of you. So I'm exploring other schools. I really hope I find a good school for both of you. You know that if I had my choice, I would homeschool you.
Sarah, I have seen the effects of school on you for the past 3 years. It has not been very good. You have come home many times and cried because of the pressure of homework. I dont believe in Malaysian schools. They put too much pressure on such small kids like you. And you have much more pressure than mama had when I was your age.
So I'm really hoping I get a good school that doesnt put too much pressure on both of you. Your childhood is so short and childhood should be spent being a CHILD. Running in fields as far as the eye can see, playing with neighbourhood kids freely for hours on end, taking risks, learning from other kids. FREE PLAY is so important for you both...
I feel so much guilt because your childhood has not been much of free play..because of school and the way our lifestyles are.
I always wish of getting away from the city - living in a kampung somewhere - playing by the river everyday and being close to nature... being close to Allah... in Nature, you get to reflect on yourself and your purpose in life and your relationship with Allah.
I pray Allah gives me opportunity for us all to have this as part of our lived in our future ameen.