Salaam Iman, today you cried again when I sent you to school L
I feel so sad. I don’t know what to do.
In the mornings when you get up you are so sad. You have a constant frown and downtrodden face. Allah. Yesterday when you came back from your Papa’s house you were so sad about having to go to school today. I don’t know what to do. One hand you have to get used to it - the sooner you get used to it, the better. On the other hand, I can’t stand to see you so sad all the time.
I was hoping and praying that this week will be better for you. I emailed Principal Adam last Friday. I told him I would like to get involved in helping to make Idrissi a place for more holistic learning for the students. I hope to meet up with him soon. But he is not really the one who calls the shots in your school. I met teacher Mirza last Friday afternoon when I fetched you. I told her to give you a break. That it doesn’t matter whether you have done your homework or not, that academic work is not important to me. Teacher Mirza said you were better on Friday in class.
This morning we arrived late and it was raining. The other students were already in class. I sent you to your class, but you wouldn’t let me go. So I sat with you for a while. Then I left. You were crying when I left L
Oh Iman,…. Mama’s heart breaks. I’m not sure what to do anymore. Allah please help make it easy for my children. You are the best to guide and you are the best to help. You are well-acquainted with all that we know and all that we feel. You are the owner of hearts. Help comfort Iman’s heart.
January 17, 2017
Iman, you cried again today. It’s been about 2 weeks that you first started school.
Today I was firmer with you. I’m so sorry, I don’t know what else to do. I know it doesn’t mean that it helps the situation.
I’m not sure – maybe its because you are close to me and you can sense my ambivalence of sending you to school – although I myself am not fully conscious of it. Idrissi is truly probably the best school out there (In KL) – mixture of academic, islamic and nature. That’s why I thought it would be great for you, Iman. And you know that I’ve been trying to get Sarah into Idrissi for a few months. Since last year, you yourself said that you don’t want to go to Sarah’s school because you see how your sister has a lot of homework. So that’s why I saw it as a great opportunity to change both of your schools to Idrissi. Unfortunately there’s no space for Sarah in Yr 4, but there’s space for you, Iman.
I’m so sorry I was tough with you today. I brought you to the gate and told you to walk in. You stepped in the gate and you didn’t move. Teacher Mirza came to get you and bring you to assembly, but you still didn’t want to move. You were crying.
I’m so sorry L I love you. I will be with you in your heart even when you cry.
Sarah, I know mama has not given you full attention this past 2 weeks, because of Iman’s issues at school. I’m so sorry. I wish I could give both of you enough attention and love that you need. I really wonder how those mothers who have six or seven kids manage. Apparently their love is six or seven times more J Just like how mama’s love is double, because I have two kids J I’m sorry Sarah. I will promise to be patient and attentive to you too.. sorry ya. Am so proud of you and how you are able to take care of yourself. You have helped mama with some household chores. Thank you.
Mama has been a bit busier in the house, because I cook / prepare Iman’s lunch sometimes and I cook your favorite food sometimes, Iman, in hopes that it will cheer you up at school. Yesterday I cooked kari ikan for the second time! Yummm! Heheh… mama also likes it, and I should cook more!
January 19, 2017
Alhamdulillah, today you didn’t cry Iman. Yesterday (Wednesday) you didn’t go to school. You stayed at home – played Monopoly with Nana, went for lunch , bought your school shoes. You were happy yesterday J You were sad when you thought of school .Then I tried to make you not think of school. This morning you were a bit sad in the drive on the way to school. When you reached school, I sent you to your class. And said bye, you were fine J
Sarah, yesterday you were moody. When you got in the car, your sister wanted to talk to you and you snapped at her. Kesian you. Mama got angry and I told you not to snap at her or be rude to me. And then you were more rude to me. You answered me back. That has been quite common lately. I feel sad. But I think it is a phase. You are learning to assert your individuality. You are learning that you are not me and I am not you. You want to voice out who you are and be accepted for who you are. Sorry that sometimes mama has no patience, and that I can’t see that sometimes. I re-act with impatience and tell you not to talk back or be rude. I’m sorry I will try to be more patient.
Also I think school is tiring for you. You are in Primary 4 and have had homework everyday this week. I’m afraid the academic part is going to be more pressure for you. I am still praying and hoping for a spot to become free in year 4 in Idrissi. May Allah make it easy.
You know girls, Mama doesn’t know what is right for you. I sometimes find myself praying to find a husband that will be good to me and to both of you andwho understands the importance of homeschooling to maintain your childhood, so that I will have support to homeschool / worldschool you both. But then I think to myself – there’s a reason why Allah has not given me a husband until now. It has been 5 years since your father and I got divorced… and I have not come close to marrying anyone else. I think Allah is telling me “Get yourself and your kids sorted out first”, and then whether or not a husband comes along is besides the point. So I asked myself yesterday, why am I not strong enough to pull you both out from school and homeschool you? What am I so afraid of? What can your father do? He can bring me to court… sure… but will he? Allahua’alam.
Will continue to make du’a for Allah to provide me with strength and support to make the right decisions for your childhood – whether it be homeschooling or any other school or moving countries, etc. After all, Musa as asked for support. In the Qur’an, Allah told Musa to “Go To Firaun and relay to him the Message of Lailahaillallah” and Musa responded by “My Lord, please give me Harun (his brother), expand my chest and release the tightness in my tongue” Robbishrahlisodriwayassirli amri wahlul uqdatammillisanee.