Since the divorce with your father, I went through a haze.. This past 4 years have been hazy to me. It is a blur. I struggled to keep my head above water emotionally. I numbed my feelings and emotions. I had to. I had to be as positive as I could for the both of you.
You both were the best things that happened to me. And being a mummy to both of you was literally the best time of my life. Even if during those years I went through a divorce - it was still the best time of my life.
Allah gave you as gifts to me...and actually as TRUSTS too. And I'm so grateful to have you in my life. I'm so sorry for being a bad mother to you at times. I struggle daily. Although I may seem like I'm having fun. I struggle because I've never been a parent before ... and to be honest I'm just learning to be a human being. STILL. At age 39.
Just this last few weeks I read a book. It called "A Temporary Gift" by Asmaa Hussein. The book is so beautifully written from the heart. It talks about emotions that one might feel when we lose something. The author's husband died and she wrote it as a means of healing through her grief. She also wrote letters to her baby daughter in a blog because she says she wants her baby daughter to know her father and her mother's thoughts and advice. I could definitely relate to this part. I was like "That's what I have been wanting to do for my kids for so long!" And so now I'm finally doing it alhamdulillah. Just like her, I want to talk to you about what our family has been through. I pray that if you dont understand some things I do now, that you will one day. And that maybe these "letters" or messages will help you understand what I was and am going through in the years after the divorce.